February 24, 2015

I have always been interested in the mind.

In April last year when my mind was particularly burned out from work and life I booked a flight from YUL to CZM. Just the flight. I didn’t have anything planned in advance – other than to meet up with a social work friend who had quit her rather prestigious job in Toronto as an addictions specialist, moved to Cozumel, Mexico, and joined diving school. Traveling, especially alone and relatively unplanned, was mostly out of character for me. Save for that one time I packed my car, drove to Florida, nearly died (not kidding) and then instead moved to Minnesota to work at a shelter for families experiencing homelessness - but that’s a whole other blog post. I spent most of my 20s working and putting myself through three university degrees. I didn’t have the luxury of time nor money to travel.   

Booking that flight and letting go of control made me feel like a real renegade. As if NOT making any real advance plans liberated me from the stress associated with the constant decision making of trying to make it in the world while being over worked in a small underfunded non-profit. On this vacation all I had to do was make bite-sized decisions based on how I felt in the moment. I didn’t have to worry about the stress of the past or what was to come in the future. Just pack my bag. Just get in the car. Just drive to the airport.

One great decision I made in the moment was to buy a book at the airport. That book was “A Spiritual Renegade’s Guide to the Good Life”. I had dabbled in yoga practice and meditation a little bit in the past but this book and meeting an American dive master in Mexico who was introduced to me as “the happy guy that meditates on the roof every morning” awakened my mind.

Fast forward a few months after returning from Mexico and after finishing Lama Marut’s book, I scoured the internet for retreats whereby I could further develop my knowledge and reduce my “suffering” (what I later found out is called the first noble truth). Many retreats were expensive and out of reach but one intrigued me because it was free. Like, totally free. The food, the accommodations, the teachings, everything. Free. I thought “free, come on, what’s the catch???”  So I researched, and researched some more then put myself on the waiting list for a course in Montebello, Quebec. Being an open-minded renegade worked for me in Mexico why not try it for a week off work, free vegetarian food, meditating, and not talking to anyone in beautiful Montebello, Quebec!  

2 months after putting myself on the waiting list I got several screening e-mails from the meditation centre. They take their assessments very seriously and require some history about your past mental, physical, and emotional state. As a social worker I can appreciate the detail required as they are not equipped to handle triggers of trauma, addictions, or complicated medical situations. I advised on my application that I had environmental allergies, and a history of low mood during the winter months. And I didn’t hear back…

I kept the 10 days in my calendar at work as “tentatively out of the office” but became increasingly disheartened that I hadn’t heard back after my assessment. Some very important work events cropped up during the time I was to be away so I reasoned it best I not go anyhow. But a week before the course was set to start I received my offer and I accepted it. I felt some guilt about those work events but my team handled it amazingly well, as I knew they would. I reasoned that as a social worker I am always preaching about self-care and burnout. It was important to practice what I preached. So off I went. Just pack my bags. Just get in the car. Just drive to the meditation centre...