The Beginning of the End

365 days ago my sister and I took my Dad to the hospital for what we thought was some breathing trouble.

365 days ago I put an old Western movie from Netflix on my laptop and let my Dad watch it. 

365 days ago I took this picture.

365 days ago everything changed. 

It hadn't occurred to me that this particular date would be significant. Sure, dates like Father's Day, his birthday, the anniversary of his death. But this day? On this day I woke up and just knew something was off. I felt down, sad, and alone for no reason. And I wasn't alone. I sat quietly on my couch with a friend who has also lost parents. But still I couldn't pinpoint why I felt so awful. After some time, my eyes turned toward a plaque with a picture of my father that says "a daughter's first love". The tears flowed and I said "what is the date today?" Somehow my heart knew before my brain - 365 days ago.  

365 days ago my sister and I stayed up all night, eating food from vending machines, and sleeping in uncomfortable chairs in the ER. 365 days ago we started a text message chain with our siblings to keep everyone in the loop. 365 days ago my Dad had blood tests, EKGs, and X-rays. 365 days ago Dr. Dixon told us that the tests showed my Dad had a heart attack at some point in the last 24-48 hours which is why he couldn't breath well.

Pat Howlett persisted. Heart attack and all. All told, this must have been at least the third one he had in his lifetime.

Nearly 10 years ago when I was still in my undergrad at Laurier I got a call that my Dad was in the hospital. I'm pretty sure the story goes that he drove himself there from his home in the country. He had a heart attack. They transferred him to the Heart Unit at the hospital in London and I got in my car right away. I remember after a simple procedure to put a stent in to keep the vessels open, he was mesmerized that like mechanics working at a shop, the medical professionals bantered and chatted as they did such delicate work to keep him alive. The Doctor told us later that some of the vessels in my Dad's heart were closed and that he must have had a heart attack sometime in his 20s or 30s. My Dad had no idea. They assured us that with the stent that everything would be fine and they were right. For 10 years he barely had a cold. 

Pat Howlett was a strong, healthy man. He ate hearty food, worked like an ox, and was one of the strongest men I knew (in many ways). He could lift the engines of diesel trucks and he maneuvered heavy furniture up and down stairs for the millionth time I moved houses. He was a man's man. The strength of his body and character evident. But he was also kind, sweet, and gentle. Being both strong and soft hearted is something very few have mastered. This is how I will always remember him. 

365 days ago after we were told about the heart attack we had no idea what the coming weeks would bring. One thing was for sure though, Pat Howlett wasn't going down without a fight. Stubborn as ever. That's just the man he was. 

For me, many of the last 365 days have been painful, bleak, and heart wrenching. I've been hurt in some of the worst ways during a very difficult time. You may expect that to make me heartless. It's true, some days I wonder if being cold and closing off my heart would make things easier. But I am my father's daughter. Stubborn as ever to not let other's dictate my life and turn me into someone I am not. Even if I think protecting my heart is safer, I'd do it at the expense of living authentically. I've got to "feel my feels" as my sister would say. Everyday I'm trying (and sometimes failing) at mastering the art of strength and softness. Just like those heart attacks tried to stop my Father's heart, the pains of life can try to stop mine, too - but they wont.  

Aside from the pain, many of the last 365 days have also been beautiful, mesmerizing, and full of love. I have been so lucky to meet so many incredible people on this journey and to connect more deeply with friends and family to share heartfelt moments soul to soul. To all of you wonderful humans who have touched my life in the last 365 days: you have filled in the cracks of my heart which I didn't think was possible. Have I told you lately that I love you?

Put a stent in your heart. Keep it open. Give more love than you think you have in you. It does a body good. <3 

"It takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to love after it's been broken"